Not meant to be…

You are too skinny. Are you stressed? Why do you starve yourself? You have too many stretchmarks, you should try this cream. look how your boobs sag, have you considered a boobjob?! You were so gorgeous before childbirth, right now, I don’t know, You are too undesirable! Too unattractive! Have you tried these pills? Oooh, I should introduce you to my nutritionist, atakupanga ufurahie!

These words stubbed me for months, until one day, I locked myself in a dark room, hiding from the outside world. You know, I always knew I was beautiful, so I thought until society decided to distort my image and tell me otherwise. My body has been trapped by expectations at every stage. Scarred and bruised, I’ve become a broken picture. My self-esteem shattered. My confidence is gone. I’ve become faceless in a room full of familiar faces.

The society’s silly expectations made me feel like having a baby fat after giving birth is a
crime.It made me feel having stretchmarks would make me less beautiful. It made me feel having saggy boobs after breastfeeding is undesirable. It gave me sorts of remedies to reduce weight and have a flat tummy. So, I started working on making them happy, not for health or fitness though. But because I thought that way they would think I was beautiful, and I would be loved and accepted more.

I finally did lose some weight and my tummy fat was completely gone, I was back to how I looked in my early 20’s, well apart from my boobs and stretchmarks, but I was happy. Yaaay! It’s every woman’s dream to snap back after giving birth, right?

I slowly started to regain the confidence that they had mercilessly stolen from me. And just as it started getting a tad bit better, I was shamed for being skinny. Dear society, I’ve done everything you asked, what more do you want? They crushed the little confidence I had gotten back.

Again in society’s stupid circle of high expectations and “physical beauty is true beauty” I was trapped. I craved a weighty stature. I ate bananas, took smoothies, and took pills. I constantly checked my weight just for a glimpse of hope. I cried myself to sleep when nothing worked at the end of the day. And so they taught me time and time again to hate my body. And I know I did, I am so sorry. They said these horrible things and silly me, I listened for a while.

You know, I have learned the hard way that It takes a lot of a person to stand in front of the mirror and look at oneself. To look at the body your soul resides in and think “I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am desirable” after years of being told that you’re to this and you’re to that. You should do this, you should do that.

My journey with my body and people’s expectations has not been an easy fight. It has been tough, depressing, and heart-wrenching and I have had all the weird thoughts you might imagine. But I think I’ve done alright. They still say things all the time. But I’ve grown to listen to just one voice, mine.

If you’ve ever felt this way, or been shamed and insecure, or told you’re not good, attractive, or pretty enough, just know you’re not alone. Think about what is good in you instead of what is missing in you. On the bad days remember you are enough and absolute, and it will all pass. You don’t deserve to be made to feel bad about your body ever. It might seem hard, I know, I’ve been there but I believe you’ll learn how to swim once you start to sink. Love yourself and be yourself always. So I implore you, to believe that you are Beautiful.

The stretchmarks in your body, scars that tell different stories the gap in your thighs, these are signs of beauty. Free yourself from the cage the society built, remember your body is not wrong, the society is, and tell yourself that you are a beautiful mess.